FAILURE

Dear Critic,

You’ve warned me about becoming a failure, thinking it best to stay away from taking big risks.

AND… we’ve also used that fear to push and coerce us to do what was needed. Incredible how much work I got done in high school and university — out of this terror!

And you have certainly nailed me for those times when I’ve done the following:

• Committed to doing something I was not interested and really skilled at doing as much as I pretended to be.
• Attempted something without preparation nor enough support to do it well.
• Approached something half-assed.
• Tried to lie about my part in something that people did not approve of.
• Passed on the blame and the buck to someone else for the not so stellar outcome.

You were right to pin me to the wall those times — since I was squirly or a weasel about it — in order to point out that I was failing at the task at hand.

I am glad that you were trying to help me to become accountable all those times and that you were so committed to me doing better — knowing I had it in me!

And… what is even cooler is that you didn’t give up on me. You were always there to drill it in that I was failing.

There is one point I was confused about for the longest time, however. From my own ignorance and failure to understand you correctly, I took what I thought that you were saying to me — namely “You are a failure!” — to mean that I — deep down the me that is “I” — was a failure.

What I believe now with every fibre of my being is… that in those times of poor performance, I was certainly failing in my role and in how I was acting. I was a terrible actor in the scenes that were laid before me.

Specifically, I can see with prestine clarity now how I was certainly a failure at:

• Many ill-suited  jobs: like selling lottery tickets to seniors, doing accounting data entry (I am terrible with details and repetitive tasks), being a magician’s assistant, or working as a cook in a greasy diner.
• Pretending to be a rock, and island —  who does not need anyone.
• Trying to be “perfectly healthy” by controlling my diet to the extreme.
• Ultimately, submitting to or fighting against the expectations of my parents.
• And for the longest time, at being honest with some people whom I felt had hurt me.

Hmmm. I am sure there is more to add to the list, but why do I even need to do so, if you are always there to keep track and remind me?

Accepting the failures I’ve made is a relief.

And I know that “I” will certainly fail again… especially if I am unprepared, impatient, uninterested, unaware, or just not there yet, skill wise. And I will certainly also succeed at some things — as I already so brilliantly have (this judgment deserves another blog post). However, who I am, the being that is “I” cannot be tamed or hemmed in by any such notions of success nor failure. I cannot “be” a failure nor a success, no matter how hard I try!

You may disagree and that is cool. This is  my belief, based on my own experiences. You are entitled to your own.

Now, lets get on to what happens next.

What I need from you now, dear critic is the following…

1. Help me spot it sooner as I am setting myself up to fail.
2. Give me clarity on whether what I am even attempting is worth my time & effort.
3. If so, tell me gently but clearly what it is exactly that I could focus more on to improve my performance instead.
4. If not, help me gracefully shift away from this doomed enterprise and onto something much more in line with my life purpose and heart’s joy.
5. Be better at helping me to take real stock of things so that we do more of what is working and leave behind those habits which have been holding us back.

That’s it for now.

Hope you don’t fail me!

: )

Kidding.

Don’t worry, I got your back now! When you do slip up and start fuming at the mouth about how we are failing (again!), I will remind you of what I need (see above) instead.

Love,

David J.