UNIMPORTANT
Dear Critic,
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been taking hits to my pride. My ego is bruised. My forehead feels achey and my face flush with hurt and anger. My gut clenches and quivers…
I hate to accuse, but I wonder if you are behind this!
I’m wondering, “What’s behind my painful interpretations?”
WHY do I feel so insignificant? So unimportant?
Is it a crazy expectation to hold on part that the people I care most about show interest in what I am saying… laugh the right moments… and let it sink in more when I share something deep from my heart?
No!
And they do listen and value me… most of the time. They fail at times to give their full attention and be totally present, but so do I!
So, why do I feel soo hurt and convinced that I am not important?
I am going to ask Byron Katie for help on this one…
Here are the 4 questions she asks everyone:
1. Is it true?
No! Yes! Maybe! I know that it isn’t but it just feels so true at times and hurts so much!
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. Can’t prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt!
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I withdraw into being distant and judgy (inside my head). I feel hurt, invisible, and angry.
4. What would you be without that thought?
I would be so damn happy, I could not believe it! I would be happy whether anyone noticed or not. For no reason. I would feel like I was being kissed by the sun all the time!
Hmmm….
Turning this around…
I see also that… I feel that other people are unimportant. That I feel unimportant. That others may feel that I am very important. And at times, that I see myself as being very important…
Its making my head spin a little bit considering the different sides of this dynamic co-existing and all possibly true.
To be continued!
TOO SENSITIVE
Dear Critic,
I know this one is true because as soon as I heard it loudly bellowed in my half asleep mind this morning, I felt oh so very sensitive. I shut down like a snail into his shell, feeling criticized, hurt, and pissed off at the source of this comment.
On top of it all… today is my 35th birthday!!!
So… What am I gonna do with my overly sensitive self?
What’s your advice, Monsieur Critic?
“Get over it!?”
Or, even better,
“Get over yourself!”
Gulp. Hard advice to follow. Not so easy to just ignore all them funky tender feelings inside.
What should I do? Be someone else? Or just dive into action!!
Not today.
I am 35.
I just married Maria, the woman I love.
We’re looking at buying our first home and seeding a baby.
I have genuine, loving, creative, and interesting friends.
I work 4 days a week at a job that gives me the freedom to nap, travel, and re-invent myself every once in a while… while making a difference, challenging my mind and heart, and being part of a dynamic team.
AND…
I’ve spent a good couple of decades of my life so far alternating between avoiding myself and wallowing in the mire.
AND… I have had enough of trying.
AND… I’m fed up with doing for its own sake.
AND, I don’t wanna sulk and lie in bed feeling sorry for myself either.
I need another way… that is both true to how I am feeling while also powerful and responsible.
Here’s a pic of how I feel right now in front of a computer screen considering all this:
And now…
After I’ve taken the bike in to get fixed, forgeting that they don’t openfor another hour. After heading back home to get the bike lock while leaving it up to luck as to whether it will get stolen in front of the bike shop. This is my favorite bike which I love, but given how low I feel…
And…at the same time as my bike might be getting stolen,… deciding to spend some quality time with our friend and organic grocer Pots on the corner of Augusta and Nassau (in the famously colourful and warm Kensington Market of Toronto). Pots just makes me feel great being around him. We talk about everything and nothing together, sometimes for a minute, sometimes for what seems like an hour, while I was on my way somewhere…
Ending off by spontaneously making up our own handshake… and then running off to lock up that bike which I do want to see again!
And now, back here typing… this is how I feel eating a fresh organic plum:
So, my dear critic,
Now what? Have I proven you right and myself wrong. Or is it the other way around? I can’t tell any more. I have other shit to do today than to consider this much further,
except…
that I will give you credit, for helping me to step outside of myself. While in the grocery store, I realized how much I enjoyed buying gifts for people I love and basking in the presence of friends. Is that selfish of me or selfless (another blog perhaps)? But I do know that it sure helped me to take myself less seriously and shake off the hyper sensitivity I was feeling earlier. Everybody is going through something all of the time. Sometimes we are tender and want to close up and other times we are strong, generous, and open.
I am glad that today I am able to be sensitive and open at the same time.
Warmest regards,
David J.
FAILURE
Dear Critic,
You’ve warned me about becoming a failure, thinking it best to stay away from taking big risks.
AND… we’ve also used that fear to push and coerce us to do what was needed. Incredible how much work I got done in high school and university — out of this terror!
And you have certainly nailed me for those times when I’ve done the following:
- Committed to doing something I was not interested and really skilled at doing as much as I pretended to be.
- Attempted something without preparation nor enough support to do it well.
- Approached something half-assed.
- Tried to lie about my part in something that people did not approve of.
- Passed on the blame and the buck to someone else for the not so stellar outcome.
You were right to pin me to the wall those times — since I was squirly or a weasel about it — in order to point out that I was failing at the task at hand.
I am glad that you were trying to help me to become accountable all those times and that you were so committed to me doing better — knowing I had it in me!
And… what is even cooler is that you didn’t give up on me. You were always there to drill it in that I was failing.
There is one point I was confused about for the longest time, however. From my own ignorance and failure to understand you correctly, I took what I thought that you were saying to me — namely “You are a failure!” — to mean that I — deep down the me that is “I” — was a failure.
What I believe now with every fibre of my being is… that in those times of poor performance, I was certainly failing in my role and in how I was acting. I was a terrible actor in the scenes that were laid before me.
Specifically, I can see with prestine clarity now how I was certainly a failure at:
- Many ill-suited jobs: like selling lottery tickets to seniors, doing accounting data entry (I am terrible with details and repetitive tasks), being a magician’s assistant, or working as a cook in a greasy diner.
- Pretending to be a rock, and island — who does not need anyone.
- Trying to be “perfectly healthy” by controlling my diet to the extreme.
- Ultimately, submitting to or fighting against the expectations of my parents.
- And for the longest time, at being honest with some people whom I felt had hurt me.
Hmmm. I am sure there is more to add to the list, but why do I even need to do so, if you are always there to keep track and remind me?
Accepting the failures I’ve made is a relief.
And I know that “I” will certainly fail again… especially if I am unprepared, impatient, uninterested, unaware, or just not there yet, skill wise. And I will certainly also succeed at some things — as I already so brilliantly have (this judgment deserves another blog post). However, who I am, the being that is “I” cannot be tamed or hemmed in by any such notions of success nor failure. I cannot “be” a failure nor a success, no matter how hard I try!
You may disagree and that is cool. This is my belief, based on my own experiences. You are entitled to your own.
Now, lets get on to what happens next.
What I need from you now, dear critic is the following…
- Help me spot it sooner as I am setting myself up to fail.
- Give me clarity on whether what I am even attempting is worth my time & effort.
- If so, tell me gently but clearly what it is exactly that I could focus more on to improve my performance instead.
- If not, help me gracefully shift away from this doomed enterprise and onto something much more in line with my life purpose and heart’s joy.
- Be better at helping me to take real stock of things so that we do more of what is working and leave behind those habits which have been holding us back.
That’s it for now.
Hope you don’t fail me!
: )
Kidding.
Don’t worry, I got your back now! When you do slip up and start fuming at the mouth about how we are failing (again!), I will remind you of what I need (see above) instead.
Love,
David J.
DISTRACTED
Dear Critic,
Yes., you’re right…
I have been terribly distracted at times. I have been like a child seduced by candy and flashing lights.
Today, I would agree with you and yet add that I’ve been much better than I usually am after returning from a long weekend back to the office.
I’ve done well in prioritizing… and then I got distracted. And then I got back to doing what’s most important and then I got distracted again!! And so it has gone, all day!
It is worst right now… at this moment. I want to go on Facebook and also browse 4 sites and also send multiple messages and texts to people. My mind is flipping like channels on a TV set when nothing really interesting is to be found.
Truth is… that I am afraid. If I were to do what I need to do most right now and persistent doing these few tasks to the best of my abilities until I was done a few hours later… well… I may just:
A) Miss out on something else that is going on?
B) Fail at doing them well enough and feel bad about the quality of my work?
C) Not get everything done and feel UN accomplished?
D) All of the above.
Ahhh, I felt my face twitch upon reading B.
Looks like I got another “Dear Critic” entry to write: this one about being a “FAILURE“.
Thanks for helping me see that was what was really going on.
Off I go to tackle my business.
When the dust clears, I will face the big F!
Dear Critic... 